Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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