my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
