Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
