so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
