We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
We named our party play list daddy issues
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
3 2 1 whiskey
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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