He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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