i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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