i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
