Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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