Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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