So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize