yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
