im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
