I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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