Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
