It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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