I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
