are you so shy because you have an std?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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