wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
