They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
