i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
