i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
