I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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