You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
