i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
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