My nipple is on Facebook.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
