i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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