Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
