You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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