we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize