Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize