Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
