I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
