My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
