I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
