I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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