she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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