Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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