So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
