weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
