Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize