I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
