toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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