Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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