He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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