I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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