too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Randomize
