I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
