You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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