I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
