Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize