Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
