she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
