Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
