I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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