Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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