Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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