you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
