You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
