do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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