I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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