He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
