i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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