Got a toothbrush?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
