this beer tastes like vomit already
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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