I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
