Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
