You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
