life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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