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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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